I have always been aware that there was something wrong with me, even from the age of about 8. I don’t know how to explain what it was that I felt, but it was just there, like a shadow. I remember wanting to cause hurt to myself when I was young, thinking there was always someone watching me, that I wasn’t alone. Then I hit the age of 10 and my grandfather tragically passed away, he was much more than a ‘bampy’ to me, he was my father figure, I saw him every day of my life. And I can safely say that that is when I can pin point the beginning of my GAD, though it took 6 years for doctors to refer me to specialist.
I was given Citalopram and was sent to a psychologist, who later diagnosed me with depression and body dysmorphia disorder, for which I was then taken off Citalopram and was prescribed Pregabalin. I’ve been on this medication for over a year at contrasting dosages over time and it has taken no effect with me, personally.
I was then given a mix of Pregabalin and Fluoxetine to see how that would go, but I just feel the same.
I cannot really recall a time where I have felt content in the last year, though I did volunteer in South Africa at a primate sanctuary where I lost myself and felt at one with what I love, but sadly had to return home 2 weeks early due to experiencing an incredibly intense attack where I had what I can only describe as hallucinations of which lasted 7 hours, in that 7 hours I almost convinced myself that it would be better to kill myself than suffer through another minute of what was happening, thankfully, I didn’t.
Though there isn’t a day that passes where I don’t have suicidal thoughts, I’ve come close to walking out in front of a train, overdosing etc. I do self harm at times, I pull out my hair and cut my skin with my nails until I draw blood.
All I’m trying to say is that I am sick of being ill, being sent to professional after professional (I am not undermining them since they have been brilliant, merely the system) being told the same thing over and over resulting in simply chucking different medications at me.
I’ve had CBT and EMDR and neither have helped.
Nothing is ever simple, not really, unless you allow it to be, but I can’t, because if I could then I wouldn’t be feeling this way/wouldn’t have felt this way from the age of 8, which is when I can first really remember feeling out of touch.
I find myself continuously having prolonged anhedonia and even when positive events do occur they are rarely not accompanied by what I can only depict as the usual apathy. It’s causing me to become extremely debilitated throughout the day to day basis of each week that has passed since as far back as I am able to recall.
Whatever is happening is creating not only psychological symptoms, but social and physical also, of which I am used to already due to having GAD, if that is actually the correct diagnosis.
Guilt, anxiety, frustration, introverted anger, suicidal idealisation, shame, paranoia regarding eating habits, obsessive compulsive tendencies, extremely violent thoughts, complete lack of concentration, severe irritability, apathy, headaches, sleeping excessively, sexual dysfunction (apologies if that’s a tad too much info) and what seems like a state of constant hyperventilation are symptoms that have been re-occurring over the past year and have become more and more intense.
I am adamant that I have Unipolar, as is my mam, but due to my psychiatrist not sending me a letter as of yet, of which is over due by a month, I have no way of knowing what I am able to do next, since I ffind that GP’s often resort to either chucking more meds at you, lowering your dosage or wait for it, the shocker… Increasing your dosage.
I find myself grueling over ending my life at least 4 if not 5 times a day, though the nature of thinking and doing are entirely different, I know that. I wouldn’t only be taking my life but I’d be taking my families also but it just gets so so difficult and nobody seems to understand, which is not their fault in the slightest.
I’m running out of fuel, I’m exhausted and nothing seems to work anymore.
Medication is a waste of time, Fluroxetine and Pregabalin are what I am being prescribed at this moment in time, I’ve been given Citalopram in the past, CBT I found to be of no help at all. Therefore, I wish I was a bear, because at least then you could hibernate for a few months.
Does anyone else suffer with Unipolar or anything similar?